Five Reasons Not to Date a Kamen Rider

 Whenever a Kamen Rider I particularly like comes along I'll often gush to my friends that I "would so totally marry him eeee" but actually, when it comes down to it? I wouldn't date any Rider. It would be a supremely bad life decision. Why? Well, I'll tell you.

 5. They keep terrible company
 Exhibit A: Kenzaki [Blade]
 Hey, Kenzaki's a sweet guy. He's cute, he's caring, he has a steady job and his own transportation. He'd make a great boyfriend. Except oh great, now you have to hang out with the biggest motley group of idiots since the cast of Scooby Doo. As if it's not enough that he lives with a control freak with a nutcase for a father and some weirdo with a possibly Freudian fondness for dairy produce, the guy's constantly spending time with three of the biggest entries from Who's Annoying.

 You'll probably meet The Ambiguously Gay Couple, otherwise known as Tachibana and Mutsuki, first. Tachibana apparently lost half his braincells when his girlfriend died; Mutsuki has wet dreams about his own rider system and wears a stupid little earring. That's all you need to know about them. But the real kiss of death to any relationship you could ever have with Kenzaki is Hajime, though you'll probably refer to him more often as "That Weird Guy My Boyfriend is Unreasonably Nice to" or "Someone Chris Hansen Probably Wants a Word With".


 4. They're never there
 Exhibit B: Eiji [OOO]
 Let's pretend you're on a date with your boyfriend. You're chosen a really upmarket restaurant and because he's in customer service and spends his meagre wage on ugly underpants and fruit-flavoured phallic objects for some guy he hangs out with, you're paying. Just as you're gazing into his eyes over the smoked lobster on your plates, he spots something behind you. Suddenly he's out of his chair, half the patrons in the restaurant have been knocked to the floor by his flailing arms, and you're alone with some dish you didn't even want but ordered because he said he had it in "Frenchland" once.

 So what if some kid's getting mauled by a giant leather cat? What about your needs?

A bug thing is not fine too.

 3. Half the time they're not human
 Exhibit C: Shouichi [Agito]
 Wow, honey, you're like the next evolution of humanity? That's so cool! Wait wait, so is your "true" form like an angel or a really beautiful androgynous person with eyes that can shoot lasers or--

 Oh.


 2. They have weird family issues
 Exhibit D: Pick a Rider, any Rider

That's weird. You're weird.

 Look, I'm not asking for a perfect nuclear family set-up. It's just when your boyfriend's attempts to explain his family tree to you have to be qualified with statements like "yeah my grandson is older than me but we don't find it weird anymore" or "I've basically forgiven my sort-of brother for trying to kill me multiple times now", it's kind of a turn-off.

 Also a turn-off: keeping a fapscrapbook filled with pictures of your sister; being able to answer "yes" the question "has your dad ever forced you to put on a skirt and walk about in public?"; having given your niece what can only be described as come-to-bed eyes; not shutting up about your grandmother ever.

 Seriously guys. You're all really quite creepy.


 1. I would die
 Exhibit E: Wataru [Kiva]

But at least you don't have to date Wataru now.

 Because this happens to basically any woman who ever dates the main Rider in a series, here's just the most recent example. After managing to free yourself from the clingy, slightly whiny grip of your boyfriend's half-brother, you manage to get just a few romantic seconds with him. Then he kicks you off a cliff.

 But against all odds, you survive! Does your beloved come down to hold you, apologise for giving you a literal boot to the face, maybe call an ambulance? No, actually he goes off in a melodramatic fit then decides to go back in time and cockblock his own father. Meanwhile you're assassinated by the Japanese Adrian Brody. This sucks.