Thursday, 24 February 2011

Five Sentai Teams I Think I Could Take in a Fight

 As I currently lack the ability to spontaneously clad bright coloured spandex armour at will, I probably wouldn't challenge most Super Sentai teams to a match. One small British person who considers writing a stern letter the height of aggression against five or more armoured soldiers with copious combat experience is probably going to turn out pretty badly for me.

 Having said that, I think there's a couple of Sentai teams I'd have a good chance of taking. I'm not saying I'd seek them out for a fight, but if for some reason we were to meet in a dark alley I'd be pretty confident about my chances.

 5. Shinkengers
Yeah, but what doesn't?
 Okay, to be fair, the Shinkengers are not that bad at fighting. They have Takeru and Ryunosuke, who have both been trained for combat their entire lives, and Genta, a genius capable of inventing his own transformation device. Even Chiaki, who is kind of an idiot, is able to come up with risky but effective schemes to outwit the enemy.

 It's just they're so moody all the time. Can we get a count of how many times a Shinkenger couldn't fight because they were having a personal crisis? Chiaki, how many times are you going to scream "UGH I'M NOT A SHINKENGER ANYMORE, I HATE YOU ALL" and flounce off because Takeru looked at you funny? Kotoha, why does everything make you start crying about how much you hate yourself? Ryunosuke, are you aware that you sometimes resemble Eeyore?

 I could take all of these suckers down for the count just by aiming a few well-timed insults at them. (And can I just mention that someone already tried this and it would have worked if not for, basically, the power of how much Kotoha hates herself. More issues than a subscription to Time, guys.)

 4. Go-ongers
 I actually hesitated to include the Go-ongers on this list. They're certainly a bunch of idiots, and watching them come up with battle strategies often feels like I'm watching a bunch of five year olds try to open a kiddy-locked cupboard, but they usually got the job done with time to spare.

 The thing is, I could take out 80% out of the core team by putting on a dress that shows a moderate amount of cleavage. 100% if I then told them I was a boy (hi Gunpei).

 3. Gaorangers
 The Gaorangers are actually extremely capable in combat situations most of the time, in addition to having some of the most vicious, hands-on attacks of any Sentai team. They also have roughly five kazillion mecha to back them up in times of need. So why are they on this list?

And then I'm like, "but how does he smell?"
 When a member of a Sentai team dies, it's a big event. Sentai team members don't die that often. It's especially rare for 4/6 of a team to be brutally murdered within the space of three minutes. And yet this is exactly what happened to the Gaorangers, mid-way through the series.

 In fact, if you look to your right you can see the face of the hideous foe that slew the Gaorange--wait, is that a giant green clitoris hood? The Gaorangers got quickly dispatched by something that doesn't even have a nose?

 Dude, I totally have a chance here!

 2. Carrangers
 Remember that time Minoru lost the ability to transform because he was too busy posing?


 1. Hurricangers
 The only reason the Hurricangers had to keep their identity secret is because if the world had been aware of what colossal idiots were between them and certain death there would be a mass panic.

 These are the so-called ninjas who stampeded after their target lisping "stealth!" at each other as they "hid" behind lamp-posts and other architectures smaller than themselves. Other Sentai teams choose a leader based on how is the most competent fighter, or who has the best instinct for guiding others. The Hurricangers gave this a shot too but because they're the Hurricangers, had difficulty with the concept that their leader might be someone other than the guy who stands in the middle. And so they ended up with a leader who throws himself off trees in the belief that since he has some extremely limited control over the element of air, he can fly.

 Let's face it, if not for the Gouraigers and Shurikenger helping them out, the Hurricangers would have been dead before episode fifteen. Heck, if I'd been the villain of the week? Episode five.