Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Five Sentai Heroes I Would (Not) Take Home to Mother

 My mother is a pretty chill, laidback sort of lady. When I told her I spend a significant chunk of my time watching and writing about Japanese kid's shows she basically took it in her stride and shrugged (though she's getting old, so she might not actually have heard me). And she's mellow about who I date too. She'll welcome into her home and family whoever makes me happy, so long as whoever makes me happy is a tall, well-spoken type who makes six figures a year.

 Hot off the heels of my declaration that I'd never date a Kamen Rider, I started wondering if I'd date a nice Sentai hero instead. And maybe I would, but here are the ones I would probably (not) take home to meet my mother.

 5. Ahim (Goukaiger)
 Is this unfair, declaring she'd never get to meet my mother only a month after the poor girl shows up? Ahim's a princess with impeccable manners and some lovely taste in big frilly dresses, so she and my mother would probably get on pretty well. Plus my mother loves to travel, so I'm sure she'd be thrilled to hear that Ahim's done some travel herself. "Oh, you went on a cruise?" my mother would say, and tell that story about the time she and my father went on a cruise that doesn't really have an ending and isn't actually about anything except that once my mother vomited into the Atlantic.

 I just don't think the clarification that Ahim didn't go on a cruise, she went gallivanting around space with a hoarde of pirates would go down so well.

 4. Takeru (Shinkenger)
I just don't know how I'd explain this.
 Come on, Takeru's classically tall, dark and handsome and incredibly rich and has neat servants who could fetch my mother's TV Times for her after she throws it out of the window to make a point in an argument. What's not to like? My mother would adore him! She probably wouldn't even mind if he wore those hideous jeans with "MASSIVE EVIDENCE" emblazoned across his ass.

 The thing is, my mother's kind of a traditionalist. She's always believes that two people is the way to go as far as love and marriage is concerned. At a stretch she might accept three people. She definitely would not accept six people, a talking paper lantern, plus me - and I just don't think I'm strong enough to fend off Takeru's harem (or "vassals", as he so quaintly calls them) by myself.

 3. Ban (Dekaranger)
 Tall, good. Policeman, good. Has stopped styling his hair like a Dragonball Z character now, good. I really think my mother would warm to Ban. And don't you have to be super smart to even get to go into space, let alone do it as an occupation? Dude, my mother would probably want him for herse--

 "Oh, are we meeting your ma today? That's so awesome!!! Is she old? I'll talk extra loud so she can hear!!!!"
 Change of plan, I'm dumping him.

 2. Nakadai (Abaranger)
 He's a doctor. What neurotic, controlling mother doesn't want her daughter to marry a doctor? And he loves children! He's good with animals! On paper Nakadai sounds like the perfect man. My mother herself could create a more perfect specimen.

 There's just one tiny fly in the ointment, and that's the small fact that Nakadai is a raving psychopath with creepy pedophile vibes and a pet pterosaur... thing. I mean, my mother might actually be able to forgive this, but the final cherry on top is that his pterosaur... thing isn't even polite. It's got the manners of, well, number three on this list. I think that's just the final straw.

 1. Hant (Go-onger)
 Fine, he's not tall or rich and he thinks his favourite work experience so far was dressing up as a maid and giving strange men things to eat. But he's so cuuuute! He looks like a lovely chubby frog, who could resist that? My mother loves small squeaky things, she'd think he was precious.

Don't wink at me. Or my elderly relatives.
 Well, until Hant started trying to play footsie with her during dinner. The thing about Hant is he likes older women. During a Go-onger special, he said himself to Saki that he likes "the nee-san type". Okay, fair enough, everyone has their preferences. Then in Go-onger vs Gekiranger, Hant admits he once hit on Miki. This is the Miki who's old enough to have a daughter roughly a few years younger than Hant himself. But let's say we let that go, because Miki's still a fine looking woman, even if she is literally old enough to be his mother. Maybe my mother would even be flattered that someone Hant's age was flirting with her! (She wouldn't, she would upend the gravy sauce on his head, but let's pretend.)

 Unfortunately Hant kind of lets his whole "nee-san" preference get out of control, to the point where it's not really a thing for nee-sans anymore as it is... massaging an elderly woman while wearing her dead granddaughter's skirt. I mean, my mother's an open-minded lady, but she's not that open-minded and frankly, neither am I.


  1. oh Ban >_<

    Huh, weird I never realised how stranage "massaging an elderly woman while wearing her dead granddaughter's skirt" was until I saw it in text.

    I personally wouldn't take alot of them home to meet my mum, though Gunpei or Jan would be interesting haha.

  2. I need you guys to update more often! (or, you know, ever again!)

    It's so refreshing to read toku articles that are funny, literate, and non-fanboy!!!