Friday, 1 April 2011

Five Kamen Riders Who Suck at Their Jobs

 One of this blog's most read posts is Five Reasons Not to Date a Kamen Rider, presumably because there are a lot of people who feel as strongly as I do about the future of their love lives in relation to fictional Japanese guys. But you know, it's not just romance that Kamen Riders generally fail at. They're pretty equal opportunity in their failure, which is why I'm presenting this new list to you.

 Listen, say what you like about Takumi but he did some serious laundry during 555. Agito's Hikawa did very little but his police work. Even the Blade Riders, who are otherwise doing pretty badly in the game of life, managed to convince me that their employment wasn't a total disaster.

 The Riders on this list, however, should never have been hired in the first place.

 5. Tendou (Kamen Rider Kabuto)
 It's kind of unfair of me to include Tendou on this list, because I'm not actually sure if he even is employed. But let's say he is, because it might drive me into rage overdrive to imagine Tendou somehow has tons of money sitting around for no good reason. Unless this guy's job is being a smug dick in coffee houses, I think it's fair to say he's a crappy employee.

 4. Eiji and Gotou (Kamen Rider OOO)
Seriously guys, can I get some coffee?
 This, Chiyoko, is why you interview employees before you hire them. So your only two waiters don't just drop everything you're paying them to do and run out of the restaurant several times a day, okay? Okay, it's fair to let Eiji off the hook sometimes, he's saving Tokyo from destruction and everything but Gotou doesn't even do anything! Are you seriously letting your otherwise most competent employee leave in the middle of a shift so he can go and watch some random stubbled guy beat up a fish?

 Oh right, you're probably coming up with the restaurant's next ludicrously expensive theme. Can someone please explain the concepts of "revenue", "expenses" and "Chiyoko should be bankrupt by now" to Toei?

 3. Ryoutarou (Kamen Rider Den-O)
 Ostensibly Ryoutarou also works as a waiter, this time at his sister's coffee house. I say "ostensibly" because I think I saw him serve someone coffee about two times in the entire series. The rest of the time he was making mess for the Doctor to undo later down the line.

 I know, if Den-O had been about Ryoutarou's exciting adventures in filling an order for cappuchino and a double latte for the women at table four the series would have been boring as heck. And he's got a time machine, so it's not like he can't just pop back to the moment he left and do his shift, unlike Eiji who slopes back at six in the evening and expects to be paid for spending the day hanging out with Garudamon's cousin. It's just even when Ryoutarou does return to his normal timeline, what does he do? He doesn't serve coffee, I'll tell you that for free. What he does is more in the realm of "bothering random strangers to have a touching epiphany" or "letting strange men inside him", and unlike more business-savvy individuals, he doesn't even charge money for that latter option.

 2. Wataru (Kamen Rider Kiva)
 Wataru has a rather unusual profession: he makes and repairs violins for a living. Now, call me crazy but that's something of a niche market. It's the kind of thing you need to advertise, you know? Put up adverts online or in the paper, have a sign outside so people know where to find you. Maybe even set up  a shop so it's easier for potential customers to reach you. When you live in an intimidating mansion with iron gates and barely ever leave the house, only people who either a) already know about your services or b)  need a violin and are prepared to hire a private detective to find a violin maker are going to reach you.

 And I just don't think the number of people in Tokyo who really desperately, like medically need violins is that high? How do you even pay your utility bills, Wataru? Last time I checked nobody was handing out cash for having moody teenage crises of identity. I mean let's face it, if they were most characters in Kamen Rider would be hooked up.

 1. Ryu (Kamen Rider W)
 Everyone in Fuuto seems to be completely insane, because they all believe that Ryu is a fantastic policeman. Upon Ryu's first appearances we get lots of remarks from characters about what a fine detective he is and how good he is at his job. Then he shirks police dress-codes, does a few unnecessary somersaults in the middle of a very important suspect apprehension and tries to kill a couple of unarmed civilians. This is what is known in the real world as "police brutality", or sometimes, "being a total wingnut".

 Happily, Ryu himself is redeemed by the series and eventually stops trying to bludgeon half of Fuuto with his nightstick, but my real question here is what is wrong with the Fuuto police department? Why is this guy still employed? They promoted him, even!

 In a way, Akiko ruined Ryu's career. If she hadn't taught him the value of not being a psychotic asshole he might have made Inspector for kettling someone by now.


  1. I'm a little surprised Shinji Kido (Kamen Rider Ryuki) wasn't on this list. I mean, he did manage to get fired for a few minutes.

  2. I think Tendou would be an awesome employee...but he'd probably have his co-workers stalking him either out of fanlove or vengeance.

    I dont' think Chiyoko pays Eiji for the hours he's gone. It doesn't look like he's got more than change in his little parcel of underwear.

    Ryoutaro actually works at a bookstore and *helps* at the coffee shop.

    I always assumed Wataru was rich or something XD I didn't realize that his little girl companion was actually hanging around him for violin lessons either. Why didn't they ever show that?;;

    No arguments with the Terui. I don't know exactly how dress codes work...I think detectives *do* get to wear more casual gear but all the regular ones I've seen's wardrobe consisted of things like brown/gray suits.

  3. Hahahaha "terui sad for family, terui smash"? how about "terui sad, terui smash for family" it was better... X3